Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
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*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Oh. My. God.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.