MSNBC: Racist gets what he deserves!

FOX: What’s next, thought crimes?

CNN: If you stare at your hand for a long time it will look weird

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Sorry, Babe, it’s over.

*I get on my motorcycle but I can’t get it to start so I use my feet to scoot away*


Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.


I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.


Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.


VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.


The Riddler always struck me as the Batman villain most likely to have been a pickup artist.


Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*


Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?

Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.


Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*