I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
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Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”