MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
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[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Made something I’m not proud of
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.