MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
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[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Meat Cute
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money