*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
You Might Also Like
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
If I ever meet someone who’s been in a coma since 2004, I’m trying to sell them a USB drive for $150.
I love doing crunches.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
It’s a place where we make fire.
Diving in the sky.
Humans are creative.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
I think the only girl I know that hasn’t said “you’re like a brother to me” is my sister.