@GroperCleveland

MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.

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@TheAlexNevil

*cold day in hell

Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?

@WilliamAder

Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.

@timdonakowski

If I ever meet someone who’s been in a coma since 2004, I’m trying to sell them a USB drive for $150.

@LosLos__

I love doing crunches.

*crunches Doritos*
*crunches popcorn*

@iAmDelFreaky

Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?

Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.

@IamJackBoot

Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

@CulturedRuffian

Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!

@Carbosly

It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!

Humans are creative.

@DanMentos

[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing

@Dschnoeb

I think the only girl I know that hasn’t said “you’re like a brother to me” is my sister.