My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
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Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.