– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
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Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Rooting for the overdog
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Ok, but like, how married are you?
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”