My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
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My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
[at a spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is SPELL.
Witch: *mumbles something under her breath*
ME: Billions of bacteria live on and inside my body
INTERVIEWER: I meant tell me about yourself job-wise
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
I just ran a .003048K
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”