@TheAuthorGuy

Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

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@TheAlexNevil

My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.

@SleazySli

[at a spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is SPELL.

Witch: *mumbles something under her breath*

Judge: Ribbit

@InternetHippo

ME: Billions of bacteria live on and inside my body
INTERVIEWER: I meant tell me about yourself job-wise

@VeryLonelyLuke

Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.

I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.

@EyalTweet

Wife: Where have you been?

Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.

@NewDadNotes

Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?

God: yes but you don’t need to fly.

Penguin: why?

God: you already live as far south as possible.

Penguin: oh yeah!

God: and you live there all year long!

Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )

@doktorj

Me: *pooping with the door open*

Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”

@NickSwardson

I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”