Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
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People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very