Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
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[the middle of showering] I need a break
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.