Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
You Might Also Like
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.