Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
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Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.