True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Mufasa didn’t die, he just went out for a pack of smokes and a newspaper.
– The Lyin’ King
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My daughter found something on her own.
Am I done? Is she raised now?
‘maybe the world wasn’t ready for pizza perfume’ i thought to myself as i hid in a dumpster, watching the townspeople try to eat each other
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Me: Did you know that a woman’s voice gets higher when she’s attracted to a man?
Her: *batman voice* I have a boyfriend
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*