@Go2Slp

Mufasa didn’t die, he just went out for a pack of smokes and a newspaper.

– The Lyin’ King

You Might Also Like

@GibJimson

If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.

@LuvPug

Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.

@QwertyJones3

Doctor: It’s been weeks since we restored your vision. Thoughts?

“I can’t believe that British guy from the Geico commercials is a lizard.”

@SlabBaconBP

I hate when I tell my girlfriend to call me when she’s feeling sensible and then 2 years go by before I realize I’m probably single.

@causticbob

Why does Batman wear a mask?

Because the citizens of Gotham aren’t morons, like those idiots over in Metropolis.

@CulturedRuffian

Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!

@ItsAndyRyan

Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”

@GavinProbably

Facebook-

You: Going to a concert tonight!

Friend: Sweet, what concert?

Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO

@TigNotaro

The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?