The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
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When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,