If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Mufasa didn’t die, he just went out for a pack of smokes and a newspaper.
– The Lyin’ King
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Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Doctor: It’s been weeks since we restored your vision. Thoughts?
“I can’t believe that British guy from the Geico commercials is a lizard.”
I hate when I tell my girlfriend to call me when she’s feeling sensible and then 2 years go by before I realize I’m probably single.
Why does Batman wear a mask?
Because the citizens of Gotham aren’t morons, like those idiots over in Metropolis.
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Just shook a piece of cellophane off my finger and now I’m exhausted.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?