“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
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If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
At Walmart during the holidays like..
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund