It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
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Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
When you “pspspsp” too hard
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.