@pilau

Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill

Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now

Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king

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@Darlainky

The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.

@DaddyJew

Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle

@robdelaney

My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.

@Ideal_Victoria

[At a psychic fair]

Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?

@kumailn

My new year’s resolution is that donuts have no calories.

@ElgatoEsmio

If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”

@tsm560

Hey girl, are you bacteria? Because I know I need you but I have no idea why.

@Parkerlawyer

Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.

Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.