Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
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Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.