Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill

Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now

Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king

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The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.


Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle


My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.


[At a psychic fair]

Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?


My new year’s resolution is that donuts have no calories.


If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”


Hey girl, are you bacteria? Because I know I need you but I have no idea why.


Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.

Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.