Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
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Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜