@Roy_oh_Roy

Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?

Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?

Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*

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@NoTheOtherJohn

[gives date the “just one sec” sign as I answer my phone] Hello? Oh hi The Pope [I do the hand talking thing to suggest how chatty he is]

@KelgoreTrout

i named my first son “christian” and i named his twin brother “born-again christian”

@AmericanGent69

Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.

@david8hughes

[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy

@shariv67

I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.

@sweetmomissa

Aragorn: “You have my sword.”

Legolas: “And my bow.”

Gimli: “And my axe.”

Me: “And my children, all of them – ok at least just one. Wait, where are you all going?”

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: Hurry up kid. We’re gonna be late for school

6 y/o daughter: *begins eating each Lucky Charms marshmallow individually*

@thejayroyal

Damn girl, can I get all up in that? I’m sorry, where are my manners. MAY I get all up in that?

@zachreinert03

What i do in my bedroom is my business, what I do in your bedroom ok I guess that’s your business

@jjhartinger

I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.