Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
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I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Breaking news:
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.