MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
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“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”