Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets
ME: Do I have to?
ME: [pulls out heart locket with pic of robber inside]
MUGGER: [wipes away single tear with his knife]
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Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Hey baby did it hurt when you fell from heaven?-How to pick up Satan
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
Me: laser panther
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
gf: every night he lies in bed, it drives me crazy
her friend: what that sounds completely normal
[earlier, in bed]
me: i invented the colour blue
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Couldn’t remember the girl’s name from last night so I brought her to Starbucks.