Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets
ME: Do I have to?
ME: [pulls out heart locket with pic of robber inside]
MUGGER: [wipes away single tear with his knife]
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Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Just ordered some cops for my neighbours.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
I’m sorry I tried to steal your baby, but my kids don’t smell good anymore.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
So, the CIA can hack into my T.V. and listen to every word I say..
McDonald’s can’t hear me say “No pickles” through the drive-thru speaker.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.