me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
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[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Carpe DM
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.