@chuuew

MUGGER: Empty your pockets

ME: Do I have to?

MUGGER: NOW

ME: [pulls out heart locket with pic of robber inside]

MUGGER: [wipes away single tear with his knife]

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@Playing_Dad

Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man

@SlipperySecret

I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.

@jimmytorosian

Slave: I know a way to escape

Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.

@chudneyspears

I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.

@Momtoteens

I’m sorry I tried to steal your baby, but my kids don’t smell good anymore.

@Playing_Dad

Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes

@deplorablem1ke

So, the CIA can hack into my T.V. and listen to every word I say..

But

McDonald’s can’t hear me say “No pickles” through the drive-thru speaker.

@RickAaron

Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.