MUGGER: Empty your pockets

ME: Do I have to?


ME: [pulls out heart locket with pic of robber inside]

MUGGER: [wipes away single tear with his knife]

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Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man


I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.


Slave: I know a way to escape

Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.


I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.


I’m sorry I tried to steal your baby, but my kids don’t smell good anymore.


Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes


So, the CIA can hack into my T.V. and listen to every word I say..


McDonald’s can’t hear me say “No pickles” through the drive-thru speaker.


Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.