mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
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Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.