mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
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A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫