mugger: gimme your wallet

me: me or her?

mugger: I don’t care

me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner

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Hi I was calling about the $300/hour part time job I read about in a sexy ad I saw on an illegal torrent site. Are you guys still hiring?


Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside


HER: You didn’t make a reservation?
ME: I got this.
(to Maître D’) Perhaps *this* will jog your memory?
M: A handful of Skittles, sir?


I was all set to seize the day but this anti-seizure medication is a lot stronger than I thought.


Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”


“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome


11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”

Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.


As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.


Me: That does it!

[bangs on upstairs neighbor’s door]

[Elephant on a pogo stick answers]
Sup? Am I being too loud?


[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
Me: Exactly.