Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
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What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Worst bar ever.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
dutch is not a serious language
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different