Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
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Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.