Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
You Might Also Like
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
[at a restaurant]
Me: uhm. This plate is broken and the food is all spread out.
Waiter: yes ma’am, that’s the continental drift breakfast.
Going to dress up as a Jedi today and open automatic doors for people with the force.
NO YOU GET A LIFE.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
5-year-old: A horse.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Him: How many exes do you have?
Me: Dead or alive?
Him: Wait, how many are dead?
Me: Just the bad half.
Me: Half. Just half.