Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
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My favorite thing about famous people is that they can be “brave” and “daring” by just leaving the house in stupid looking clothes.
He had salt and pepper hair. There was also a hint of oregano. And bay leaves. His entire head was a bottle of Italian seasoning.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
I like my pizza like I like my pizza: pizza
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Hey, mister tambourine man
Play a song for me
But learn another instrument first
‘Cause an entire song on a tambourine
Would be monotonous.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”