Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
You Might Also Like
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
brian had himself a morning…
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.