Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
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20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Yeah, this guy is wearing green-colored skinny jeans and he has a really hot girlfriend. So do I judge him…or her?
Prevent your neighbors from ever awkwardly waving at you again by hanging a Russian flag today.
Bummed that there’s no obvious place to insert a $ into my name.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression