Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
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Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
first you must answer his riddles
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.