Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
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Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
we did it you guys we saved daylight
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.