Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
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Took me ages.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Cow with a twitch, beef jerky.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
I had no idea she was allergic to rat poison your honor
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*