My favourite gymnastics move is the double cheeseburger.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
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[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
For years, my wife & I couldn’t have a dog. My doctor said we should stop trying because humans can only make humans.
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..