I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
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My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people