When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
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this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
happy mother’s day❤️
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
You are not alone 💚
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
The glockness monster
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?