mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
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me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.