@TweetPotato314

mugger: *points gun* your money or your life

me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix

mugger: no i mean-

me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital

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@LuvPug

If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.

@behindyourback

My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.

@Mardigroan

So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.

@FlyoverJoel

The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.

@gibbet

Typos.

The Greek God of spelling errors.

@TheTweetOfGod

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.

@jbillinson

Obama: Tell Joe why he can’t booby trap the White H-
Biden: Now hold on a second, just know that no matter what you say I’m doing it anyways

@donni

YOU: Please be aware–
ME: I’m not. I never will be. I’ve never even SEEN a “ware”

@TheToddWilliams

[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots