If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
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Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
The Greek God of spelling errors.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Obama: Tell Joe why he can’t booby trap the White H-
Biden: Now hold on a second, just know that no matter what you say I’m doing it anyways
YOU: Please be aware–
ME: I’m not. I never will be. I’ve never even SEEN a “ware”
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots