mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
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Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
It’s a gift
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
2022 be like
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.