Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
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Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
My blood type is coffee.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?