fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
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TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode