The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
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“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
…żyje?
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash