Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.

Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?

Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.

Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money

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[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.


One thing you can count on: For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.


Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.


I’m convinced some of you are here because someone didn’t properly lock your cage.


Someone just knocked on the door of my apartment and I yelled, “There’s no one here,” so I think I handled that very well.


Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.


The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible


me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years

her: oh wow. army? navy?

me: olive garden


“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”

*drops string cheese*

“This hole is no cause for alarm”

*picks up string cheese*