CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
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One thing you can count on: For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
I’m convinced some of you are here because someone didn’t properly lock your cage.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Someone just knocked on the door of my apartment and I yelled, “There’s no one here,” so I think I handled that very well.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*