Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
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Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Not my job 😂
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Oceanography is all about current events
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word