Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
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Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
I miss this era type of pranks😭
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
How to properly lift a body
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
When you “pspspsp” too hard
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about