Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
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Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
do what now??
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.