me: My best friend will protect me

mugger: Haha, right-

[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]

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*hears noise downstairs
*wakes up husband so he can go get murdered first


Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!

Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?

Me: All the time


my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows


If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.


tour guide: here are the sharks

me: bitey boi

guide: …and over here, a swordfish

me: pointy boi

guide: get out of the aquarium


Me, Playing Twister

10: I win again!

20: Let’s play naked!

35: The dots seem farther apart.

45: I need to go to the ER.


John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?

Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.


“You’re an idiot.”

-My wife, after frantically looking around after I scream the word “HAY!” while pointing at hay for the millionth time.