*hears noise downstairs
*wakes up husband so he can go get murdered first
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
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Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
“You’re an idiot.”
-My wife, after frantically looking around after I scream the word “HAY!” while pointing at hay for the millionth time.