[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
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One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
me doing my best
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.