muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
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What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?