@randyfactory

muhammad ali: float like a butterfly

jellyfish: done

muhammad ali: sting like a bee

jellyfish: i am nailing this

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@bridger_w

After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off

@KenJennings

You guys, The Hobbit is a straight-up ripoff of my unreleased 3-hour experimental film “Helicopter Shots of People Walking.”

@simoncholland

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

@SaraESpivey

Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.

@FredTaming

[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]

boss: can you cook nights

a dragon: yes

@UnFitz

Hey, mister tambourine man
Play a song for me
But learn another instrument first
‘Cause an entire song on a tambourine
Would be monotonous.

@haykshan

According to serving sizes tonight, I’m a family of 4.

@MartaEffing

*runs my fingers thru your hair*
*tightens grip*
*pulls your head back*
*looks you in the eye*

Me: WTF do you mean you ate the last donut?

@david8hughes

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house

@bonehugsnirony

Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.