tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
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My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. I ate a pizza.
My wife says I was wasted last night and honestly I don’t think she’s buying my story about having to be naked to guard the neighbors porch.