@DothTheDoth

Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.

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@fro_vo

tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate

@impaulmccoy

My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.

@AnOrangeSNES

“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”

*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*

“Screw this!”

@ElleOhHell

“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350

@ValeeGrrl

Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?

@simoncholland

My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

@KevinFarzad

Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. I ate a pizza.

@jergarl

My wife says I was wasted last night and honestly I don’t think she’s buying my story about having to be naked to guard the neighbors porch.