Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
You Might Also Like
Don’t worry, if your parachute doesn’t deploy you have the rest of your life to fix it
#OneLiner
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”
peak technology
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th