Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
You Might Also Like
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
I’m giving up for Lent.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Yes, but it was never about money
(True)
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.