Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard

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I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.


Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.


Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*


I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.


Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee

– book #1 of parent series


Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.

Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”


Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.


“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel


I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.


Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it