MUM 馃槼
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
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I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we鈥檇 just let it go to voicemail.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*